You hear all sorts of cliches about how mothers have this amazing bond with their new babies. It's chemical, biological, emotional--all that fun stuff. Now I'm not disregarding this because I definitely have that bond. But no where did I read anything or hear anything about just how powerful it is and what exactly it entails. I think that lots of us would like to say that in a pressured decision--yourself or someone else--we'd be selfless enough to choose someone else's life or safety or sanity over our own. We all want to be heros deep down, but when push comes to shove I don't think many of us would be quite as selfless as we think. And let's be honest, most people don't often find themselves in such situations where they ever have to make such decisions (thank God!), but when you have a kid you feel that everyday.
I have never in my lifetime felt a pull towards another human like the one I feel towards Alex. While holding him I wish there was some way I could hold him closer. I wish he was old enough to wrap his arms around me in return and give me a huge hug without the fear of squeezing too tight for his precious little body. When I drive and Alex is in the backseat I check for oncoming cars at least 3 extra times because I am so scared that I will miss something and as a result Alex will potentially be hurt.
When he wakes up from his naps (which he takes in the room right next to the one I'm in in our tiny apartment) I scoop him up from his crib and tell him that I've missed him. I'm not exaggerating either. I did miss him. It doesn't matter that it was only for 30 minutes and he was only ever 20 feet away. I doesn't matter that I wish that he'd take longer naps so that I can get more done. I am still happy to go in and pick him up and give him a kiss on his wispy blonde hair. Seeing him smile when I walk over towards him or hearing him giggle when I make a goofy noise with my mouth makes me heart do a silly little dance in my chest out of happiness.
My fiancee is the love of my life. I am beyond happy when I'm with him and I can't imagine myself with any other man, but my love for Alex is different. I couldn't say I love one more than the other because the love I have for each of them is totally different in inexplicable ways. It doesn't matter how many times Alex spits up on me right after I put on clean clothes or how many times in the middle of one night I have to wake up to feed or rock him back to sleep; I will always have this attachment to him. It's why parents can say they will always love their kids because they can. I understand that now and I love my own parents and Alex and any future kids all the more for it.
All my love, Alex. Literally.
Mom (Kate)
P.S. This bond also makes it a bitch for me to let him cry and fuss a little bit in order to put himself back to sleep.
No comments:
Post a Comment