Waking Up Content

This morning was one of those morning where you wake up and things just feel right. You want to sleep more, but the baby is crying, so you pull yourself out of bed. But once you're up you feel quite awake. You make breakfast for the baby, pick up the kitchen and the few toys and things you didn't put away before you went to bed, so now you have a clean house. You turn on some good music. You look out the window at the such-a-pale-blue-sky-it's-almost-white, and you have a rush of feelings that give you a sense of gratitude to just be looking out the window at the morning. I watch cars drive by. Some stop for coffee at the coffee shop below our apartment. An ungendered person runs by wearing hunter orange gloves and a big scarf tied around their face (how do they breathe while running with that thing on?) A sweet looking old man toddles towards his car after meeting someone for breakfast at the little family diner a few storefronts down. Life happens, but it feels good. You feel good. I feel good. Happy. Content. I'm waking up content.

Gettin' Through It

Today has been a frustrating so far...bills, angry babies, working boyfriends, not enough sleep. This is what is getting me through it.

Hang in there
-Kate

Chew Toy

This post goes out to all those moms out there who are or have ever experienced a teething monster. A-hem.    Excuse, did I say monster? I meant baby. I am now experiencing the world of a teething six month old baby and in this world, he is the ruler. I am merely his servant who rocks and coos and cradles and nurses and soothes the tantrum-ing baby that has become my son.

I at a loss for what to do. I can't seem to make it better, and it leaves me feeling helpless. He cries like he's uncomfortable, and damn it! I would be too if I had little calcium spikes poking through my tender gums. But after trying various teething toy options, ibuprofen, Orajel, and lots of extra love and attention, it's still no go.

Believe me, I understand this is a necessary process and that it's one we just have to get through, but after a day filled with a screaming baby and stressed out fiancee, a girl needs to vent.

But here's to better days and toothy grins in our future!

-Kate

Attachment Anxiety

This post is going out to mothers, especially new ones. Over the course of the past few months as a first time mother I have been experiencing something I am calling attachment anxiety. Maybe anxiety isn't the right word for it but I'll explain and let you decide for yourself.

You hear all sorts of cliches about how mothers have this amazing bond with their new babies. It's chemical, biological, emotional--all that fun stuff. Now I'm not disregarding this because I definitely have that bond. But no where did I read anything or hear anything about just how powerful it is and what exactly it entails. I think that lots of us would like to say that in a pressured decision--yourself or someone else--we'd be selfless enough to choose someone else's life or safety or sanity over our own. We all want to be heros deep down, but when push comes to shove I don't think many of us would be quite as selfless as we think. And let's be honest, most people don't often find themselves in such situations where they ever have to make such decisions (thank God!), but when you have a kid you feel that everyday.

I have never in my lifetime felt a pull towards another human like the one I feel towards Alex. While holding him I wish there was some way I could hold him closer. I wish he was old enough to wrap his arms around me in return and give me a huge hug without the fear of squeezing too tight for his precious little body. When I drive and Alex is in the backseat I check for oncoming cars at least 3 extra times because I am so scared that I will miss something and as a result Alex will potentially be hurt.

When he wakes up from his naps (which he takes in the room right next to the one I'm in in our tiny apartment) I scoop him up from his crib and tell him that I've missed him. I'm not exaggerating either. I did miss him. It doesn't matter that it was only for 30 minutes and he was only ever 20 feet away. I doesn't matter that I wish that he'd take longer naps so that I can get more done. I am still happy to go in and pick him up and give him a kiss on his wispy blonde hair. Seeing him smile when I walk over towards him or hearing him giggle when I make a goofy noise with my mouth makes me heart do a silly little dance in my chest out of happiness.

My fiancee is the love of my life. I am beyond happy when I'm with him and I can't imagine myself with any other man, but my love for Alex is different. I couldn't say I love one more than the other because the love I have for each of them is totally different in inexplicable ways. It doesn't matter how many times Alex spits up on me right after I put on clean clothes or how many times in the middle of one night I have to wake up to feed or rock him back to sleep; I will always have this attachment to him. It's why parents can say they will always love their kids because they can. I understand that now and I love my own parents and Alex and any future kids all the more for it.

All my love, Alex. Literally.

Mom (Kate)

P.S. This bond also makes it a bitch for me to let him cry and fuss a little bit in order to put himself back to sleep.